Irony, depression and anxiety

High sensitivity, perfectionism, stress, trauma response, ambition, insecurity, disassociation, grief, restlessness, vision, perspective, ego.

Call it what you will, but trying to break free of modern trappings by way of modern trappings -- sucks.

Fighting for simplicity is hard and confusing.

I started this blog to write. About chickens and ducks, yes, but also about walking this ironic tight rope of simple living in the modern world - the so called "first world". And it can be summarized by the fact that I'm in bed on a Sunday afternoon, warn down by anxiety, succumbing to depression, click-clacking on my reMarkable pad which I paid hundreds of dollars for becuase it's the anti-computer about how the simple life might be the solution if only I can get there...

If only I can earn a million dollars.

If only I can restore a trashed piece of land, put a well on it, build a house on it, fix up the greenhouses on it, eradicate the weeds on it.

If only I can stay physically and mentally sharp by working out.

If only I can stay true to my values and feel the joy of my dream today by growing vegetables, raising animals.

If only I can take care of our finances, our home, our pets, our cars, the mold problem I haven't yet been able to prove.

If only I can keep my creative cup full enough to be able to write.

My lifeline.

My Truth.

It irks me that we're all so busy, and that we like to talk about it so much. And perhaps that's why I haven't click-clacked these past few weeks. It's embarassing.

To be pummeled by the house, the car, the fill-in-the-blank for whatever that little thing is that tips the scale and makes you feel like you're under water - without the training, the grace and calm and (lung) capacity, of a free diver.

Maybe you too are in a stage of life where you're building, and it's all happening at once, and you feel like you're supposed to be grateful and politically correct and hyper-aware of all the things you have that some people don't have lest you get cancelled.

Maybe this phase is behind you or otherwise far away.

But I guess I'm writing this because I want to believe I'm not the only one walking this tight rope.

To give you the encouragement that I want to hear right now:

It's messy. Complicated. Hard to swim against the current.

Scary to pay attention. To believe there's a different way to live in this world than what you see all around you.

You're not alone.